Fireflies

I no longer wonder if I will ever be happy again. I wonder if I have ever been happy at all. I think happiness is just a shield to hide us from reality for just a little while. Once you're happy, you're on top of the world but, all things beautiful end eventually.

It's the caffeine, the nicotine, the milligrams of tar. It's my habitat, it needs to be cleaned, it's my car. It's the fast talk they use to abuse and feed my brain. It's the cat box, it needs to be changed, it's the pain. It's men, it's the plight for power, it's government. It's the way you're giving knowledge slow with thought control and subtle hints. It's rubbing it, it's itching it, it's applying cream. It's the foreigners sight seeing with high beams, it's in my dreams. It's the monsters that I conjure, it's the marijuana. It's embarrassment, displacement, it's where I wander. It's my genre, it's Madonna's videos. It's game shows, cheap liquor, blunts and bumper stickers with rainbows. It's angels, demons, gods, it's the white devils. It's the monitors, the sound man, it's the mic levels. It's gas fumes, fast food, tommy hill and mommy's pill. Columbia house music club, designer drugs and rhyming thugs. It's bloods, crips, gives, six. It's stick up kids, it's Christian conservative terrorists, it's porno flicks. It's the east coast, no, it's the west coast. It's public schools, it's asbestos. It's mentholated, it's techno, it's sleep, life and death. It's speed, coke and meth. It's hay fever, pain relievers, sex and smokers breath. It stretches for as far as the eye can see. It's reality. It's everything but me.

MalvaAlcea @ Deviantart.com always seems to explain my every emotion in one sentence or less.

I hate people who always have to be hurting somebody. I hate even more, when the people you love choose to associate with those kinds of people. What I hate even more than that, is that I don't know how to let anybody know. I don't know what it is that I'm supposed to do about anything anymore.

I feel like I want to be screaming.

The Last Letter

I miss you.
I miss the sound of your voice in my ears.
I miss the way you shake in my arms when you laugh.
I miss the way your smile just brightens up my day my world.
I miss the way you make me feel.
No one could ever make me feel the way you do. I feel complete.
I feel so happy and yet almost scared. I feel excited and overwhelmed.
I feel so many things that its hard to describe.
Sometimes it makes me fumble over my words.
I miss the way you are.
I miss everything you say, everything you do makes me smile and laugh.
I miss the way you look at me. I just kinda lose myself in your eyes, you're so perfect.
I miss us.
I miss holding you in my arms.
I miss being stupid with you.
I miss listening to music with you whether I like it or not.
Whether you like it or not.
I miss holding your hands.
I miss going on walks.
I miss watching TV over the phone together.
I miss the feeling of your lips on mine.
I miss driving you home.
I miss holding your hand until I fell asleep.
I miss being with you.
I miss you.

There's a taste in my mouth that's kept me from eating not physical food but the nourishment I'm needing
To breathe
To grow
To overcome
To know

Here's a simplification of everything we're going through. You plus me is bad news. But you're a lovely creation and I like to think that I am too, but my friends say I look better without you. I'm finally ready to deal with it. I never said I hated you, I don't think that I could, but lately you've been ripping my heart out.

I'll always be curious to how you know everything except the intense way I loved you.

This Day

"Sometimes two hearts need to fall apart just to realize how much they belong together." I've read that somewhere. I never understood just quite what it meant though. But, I'm starting to understand.

You heart doesn't just, break. It doesn't combust into a million little pieces. But, once your heart has become accustomed to beating next to another, it takes a while to learn how to beat alone. And it hurts every part of you.

Writing

Addiction is a decision. An individual wants something, whatever that something is, and makes a decision to get it. Once they have it, they make a decision to take it. If they take it too often, that process of decision making gets out of control, and if it gets far out of control, it becomes an addiction. At that point, the decision is a difficult one to make, but it is still a decision. Do I or don't I? Am I going to take or am I not going to waste my life or am I going to say no and try and stay sober and be a decent person? It is a decision. Each and every time. A decision. String enough of those decision's together and you set a course and you set a standard of living. Addict or human. Genetics do not make that call. They are just an excuse. They allow people to say it wasn't my fault, I am genetically predisposed. It wasn't my fault, I was programmed from day one. It wasn't my fault, I didn't have any say in the matter. Bullcrap. There is always a decision. Take responsibility for it. Addict or human. It's a decision. Each and every time.

The Morning After

This is the first day of my life. I swear I was born right in the doorway. I went out in the rain suddenly everything changed. They're spreading blankets on the beach. Yours is the first face that I saw. I think I was blind before I met you. Now I don't know where I am, I don't know where I've been, but I know where I want to go. And so I thought I'd let you know that these things take forever. I especially am slow. But I realize that I need you and I was wondering if I could come home.

What's Wrong With Me?

I feel lonely every single day of my life, But I'm too ashamed to admit it to the people that love me.

It never takes to long

I wish I had the courage to say, 'You can never bring me down'. But, I guess that would be a lie. I've never felt so low. I've lost the most important thing a person can lose. Self respect and dignity. I've never felt so incomplete, inhuman, alone, miserable, wasted and forgotten. More than anything, I've never been so scared. All I've ever wanted was to be close to someone. All I've ever wanted is to feel as if I wasn't so alone. I found that. And I lost that now, I suppose. I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in. Like I might sink back into what I've always sunk back to. Did you know that the human bbody can be drained of blood in 8.6 seconds?

Did you know that you're all that has held me together.

My face is cold, my hands are cold, my fingers are cold. Everything is so cold. Kind of like before. I mean, before we met. Everything just feels so warm when I think about how lucky I am to have you. Now everything just feels so cold because, I know I've messed up again. Even though I'm going to try to keep an open mind while I'm waiting, I wonder if keeping an open mind is the same thing as having an empty mind. Open mind, empty mind. They both hurt the same..

Here Is My Heart

Here is my heart. Here is my heart. Here is my heart.
You can have it all

Looking For Alaska

"I wanted so badly to lie down next to her on the couch, to wrap my arms around her and sleep. Not ****, like in those movies. Not even have sex. Just sleep together, in the most innocent sense of the phrase. But I lacked the courage and she had a boyfriend and i was gawky and she was gorgeous and I was hopelessly boring and she was endlessly fascinating. So I walked back to my room and collapsed on the bottom bunk, thinking that if people were rain. I was drizzle and
she was a hurricane."

- John Green

You've been alone...

You're desperate in finding something else to please you. You've been searching your whole life. Something to mute, change or just distract you. Something to put inside you to give the illusion of life.

A Little Something

Lets start out with something, oh so clever, whats your sign?
I'm a Gemini.

Congratulations! You just had a baby boy! What do you call him?
A mistake

When was the last time you were complimented?
Last night, at Jordan's Casa.

If there was a large spider in the room, what would you do?
Leave the room..
Like a normal person, :)

Do you regret anything you've done lately?
In a way..
but it needed to be done i guess

Last place you went out to eat?
More than likely, Taco Bell

What are you thinking about right now?
The Usual..
Taking over the world, going down in history.

Oh, and Lee! :)

Could you date someone taller than you?
yep

Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?
I sure hope so!

What were you doing at midnight Friday night?
Uhm..talking to Lee, maybe.

Has a girl sat on your bed before?
yes?

How about a boy?
yepp

Do you have a brother?
I did.

Will your next kiss be a mistake?
nonononono

Next time you'll go out of town?
never D:!

Has anyone put their arms around you in the past 5 days?
yess

Anything you are looking forward to?
Harry Potter

When is the next time you'll see the first person on your top?
today I hope

Would you date someone three years older than you?
in my current marital status, no. ;)

Do you have a best friend?
I do.

In a good mood?
i guess

Who is the last person that called you?
Tu Madre

Have you ever kissed anyone whose name started with a A?
uhh..no?

Do you get along with girls?
not many

Was your last kiss drunk or sober?
always sober

Are you happy with your life right now?
more than happy.

Does anyone call you babe or baby?
Lee, :)

If your boyfriend or girlfriend was into drugs, would you care?
very very much!

Is there anyone who doesn't like you?
lots and lots of people.
oh well, :)

Do you believe in karma?
yes

Did you have a good birthday this year?
oh my goodness, yess!

Who are all of your texts in your inbox from?
well..you know..

Anyone you were good friends with, that you no longer get along with?
not to name any names...
(abbiebeckykaitlynmatt)

Do you have a YouTube account?
twoo

Have you ever kissed someone that was high?
-.-

When is the next time you'll see the second person on your top?
it better be soooon

Does that person mean something to you?
she's muh bestie

Do you think you've changed over the past year?
not much..

Have you stayed the night at any of your top friend's house?
yess

Tears are falling from your eyes, what's the reason?
uhm..i'm either a.) mad or 2.) upset

Who makes you happy most of the time?
Lee. Most of the time, :)

Are you excited for next year?
Ughh. no

nameless

I may not have the softest touch. I may not say the words as such and though I may not look like much.

I AM YOURS.

New Moon

No one can deny their infatuation with the Twilight saga. (except maybe my boyfriend. yikes.)

I know for a fact every fan has made a "twilight playlist" for their iPod :)

is it just me, or would Six Months by Hey Monday be a PERFECT fit for the New Moon soundtrack?

Thunder

Is there a formula--some mix of emotions--for contentment?

In the past few years of my life, I've felt like a prisoner of my mind. I'm locked in and there is no escape. I dwell on one to many things floating around in my head, and I can never pin point one thing to let out and 'lighten the load'. It is discomfort of the highest degree because I am so hopeless and really just have no idea what to do with myself anymore.

I remember when there was a time I felt nothing at all. There was a time when I couldn't decipher the feeling of happiness from the feeling of sadness. The feeling of joyfulness from the feeling of anger. I'm still not so sure I know how to talk about it, whatever 'it' is exactly. But, I know it has me questioning every fiber of my being.

There was a time in my life when I forced myself into feeling something/anything. When it seemed there was no one to help me, I found my comfort. Everyone feels lost, everyone feels alone, everyone has been scared. Frustrated. I think when you feel everything all at one, you're just a jumble of passion and misgivings and overwhelmed all in all.

It's never a good thing, feeling everything all at once. Because, this cancels out that and this cancels out that and it just seems that there's nothing left. No feeling at all. It leaves your heart and your mind numb.

Note To Self,

I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing. I want to know if you will risk looking a fool for love, for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive. I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; I want to know if you can see beauty, even when it’s not pretty, every day, and if you can source your own life from its presence. I want to know if you will stand in the fire with me and not shrink back. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away. I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments. And if this isn’t worth your while, then I want to know what is.

A Million Little Pieces

"I close my eyes and I let my body shut itself down and I let my mind wander. It wanders to a familiar place, a place I don't talk about or acknowledge existence to. A place where there is only me. A place that I hate. I am alone. Alone here and alone in the world. Alone in my heart and alone in my mind. Alone everywhere, all the time, for as long as I can remember. Alone with my family, alone with my friends, alone in a room full of people. Alone when I wake, alone through each awful day, alone when I finally meet the blackness. I am alone in my horror. Alone in my horror. I don't want to be alone. I have never wanted to be alone. I hate it. I hate that I have no one to talk to, I hate that I have no one to call. I hate that I have no one to hold my hand, hug me, tell me everything is going to be all right. I hate that I have no one to share my hopes and dreams with, I hate that I no longer have any hopes or dreams. I hate that I have no one to tell me to hold on, that I can find them again. I hate that when I scream and I scream bloody murder, that I am screaming into emptiness. I hate that there is no one to hear my scream and that there is no one to help me learn how to stop screaming... more than anything, all I have ever wanted is to be close to someone. More than anything, all I have ever wanted is to feel as if I wasn't alone."

- James Frey

Dreams Coming True

I've wanted to buy so many things from Ku-Ki-Shop! I've never won anything, ever. Except a boom box in 5th grade after counting the closest number of jelly beans in a jar that i decorated with hearts and "Lance Bass". But, that's beside the point.

This contest is awesome and i want to win >:) so i will repost this picture on every single blog like thing that I own.

Visit TokyoBunnie and leave a comment here to ruin my chances of winning these cute items from the Ku-Ki Shop. If you post about the give away on your blog, twitter, or myspace you get an entry for each repost. Good luck!

This Is Me..

Hello, My name is Jacqueline Lorraine. But, I go by Jace.

I want to stop disappointing people, because I want to stop disappointing myself. I want to stop making friends with the right kind of people who make me feel wrong. I want to find a passion for anything that will keep me going and keep me inspired I want total honesty to be easier to achieve and I want equality to exist among everyone. Especially prejudiced teenage girls. I want stress and exhaustion to disappear. I want to achieve everything they never did. If you tell me I can't do something, chances are I will try to do it until I succeed. I am small and mighty. I flow with creativity and chase my dreams because I want to end my life as myself and not as my friends or family and not who they always expected I would be. I am sixteen years old and chances are, you will never know who I really am because I am constantly changing my mind.